Fun with the New Guys
by Rytex
Summary: Master Hand invites nine Square Enix characters into the realm of the SSB Universe just in time for a tournament.  Meanwhile, life in that world is... wel... somewhere next to hell.  However, they seem to fit right in.  T for the occasional swearing.
1. What?  Newbies?

**Hello everyone! I decided to write a little humor fiction for the SSB universe. Surprisingly, it's going by pretty fast, though you The Royal Ball fans need to quit complaining that I'm taking so long to update. I just got my original update back and I'm cleaning it up after it was gone for four months. Anyway, enjoy the show as we find out what happens when the SSB universe mixes with people from Final Fantasy and Kingdom Hearts (Dear God, Sora should've been in Brawl).**

**Disclaimer (I've been real lax about this. Time to actually get serious about it): I do not own KH, FF, or SSB. If I did, people would talk in SSB, Sora and Kairi would be doin' some making out instead of hugging in the Castle that never was in KH, and Cloud would've wielded a much bigger sword, and Kefka would've won in FF.**

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Chapter 1: What? Newbies?

Master Hand went through his usual long process at work that day. He threw most applications to join the Super Smash Bros. Group in the trash. And he had fun doing it.

The most important part of the job was, after all, enjoying it.

He vaguely wondered what Psycho Hand was up to. Probably going off and dropping tons of Bob-ombs in Wario's closet again.

He came across a bunch of applications in a nice-sized envelope. The envelope was addressed from Square Enix. He read it as best he could due to Japanese handwriting and the fact that he was a hand with no eyes.

Sora, Cloud Strife, Sephiroth, Kefka Palazzo, Xemnas, Terra Branford, Roxas, Larxene, and Axel.

So, nine newcomers. Perfect. This oughta spice things up for the tournament in a few weeks.

They all came with DVDs that displayed their impressive fighting ability.

So he signed in the Approved box.

The next morning, at his usual daily announcements, he decided to break it to them gently.

"OK, so we're getting new fighters in time for the tournament." he said.

Nearly everyone groaned. Except Pikachu. He would often spam the Thunder attack and win, so it didn't matter to him.

"Why're we getting new guys right before the fight?" asked Snake.

"Shouldn't they come AFTER it so as to not spoil our chances?" asked Sonic.

"Your-a chances? At-a what? You think-a you can-a win at-a this-a tournament?" asked Wario.

"No. I'll just whoop your fat ass and be done with it." he said without hesitation.

Ness, Toon Link, Pokemon Trainer, and Lucas went "Oooohhhhh!" from a table owner. Wario flushed.

Mario was already jabbering about how his cousin Doctor Mario might be coming to fight.

"Your imaginary cousin, Mario?" asked Samus.

"I'm-a over here-a!" came Wario's indignant yell.

Luigi looked at Link and they both let out a collective sigh.

Zelda and Peach were busy talking about girl stuff, and didn't notice anyone talking about the new people.

Meta Knight and Kirby just shrugged and continued slicing up or swallowing King DeDeDe's Waddle-Dees.

Ganondorf grinned at the mention and pounded his fist into his hand.

"It will be my pleasure to eliminate them." he said.

"Yeah, eliminate their chances of losing!" came the call from Sonic again.

Ganondorf teared up, then ran from the room, bawling.

"Sonic, go apologize." said Master Hand.

"Why? He set himself up."

"Just do it."

Sonic groaned. "Fine."

Marth, Roy, and Ike just continued eating their morning Smash-Os and said nothing.

Jigglypuff was getting annoyed. She jumped up and started singing. Everyone started getting drowsy.

Master Hand quickly grabbed her and threw her into the closet. Coincidentaly, it happened to be Wario's. And coincidentaly, it was filled with Bob-Ombs. But he didn't care. He just shut the door and let the fireworks start.

"Now, as I was saying, we're gonna have to try to make them feel welcome."

"This registration of their is quite untimely. Why not wait until after the tournament's over?" asked Wolf.

"Because then they won't be able to familiarize themselves with you. This way, they all get recon of your fighting abilities."

"I never got any recon." whined Sonic.

"That's cause you spent all your time on your iPod when Snake was in his box, watching Mario, Kirby, Pikachu, and Link duke it out." said Fox.

"But if I did go, I wouldn't be able to watch. Snake'd just've made me look out the back."

Snake chuckled as he lit a cigarette.

"Heh heh, hey, welcome to life buddy." he said.

Just then, DeDeDe pulled out a spike bomb, and not realizing Snake was holding a lighter behind him, tossed it back.

BOOM!

The room exploded.

And that's how breakfast ended.

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**R&R please.**


	2. Orientation

**I read these three chappies to my brother and he really enjoyed them. Particularly this one. Be aware of my bad pun buzzkill sooner or later in the chapter. I will be developing many of the characters' personalities as we go on, but for now, here is what we've got.**

**Ganondorf = Sensitive crybaby  
Sonic = Typical Teenager  
Wario = Typical Gangster wannabe  
Master Hand = Insecure Leader of the Smashers  
Psycho Hand = Deus ex Machina embodied (in other words, he's totally random)  
Snake = The Rated-M Adult of the group, complete with beer and cigarettes.**

Chapter 2: Orientation

The nine newcomers all walked through the glorious courtyard to the Super Smash Bros. Dojo. Sora and Roxas were finally glad to have their own rooms after Square Enix made them pair up with Riku and Axel.

Axel and Xemnas were sharing a polite conversation about how they spent hours playing the game and already knew everyone's moves by heart. The giant hand floated at the door.

"Welcome all of you. I am Master Hand, the reigning master of the Super Smash Bros. Universe. I'm afraid my brother Psycho Hand is currently off doing-"

A white thing flew by on a rocket at that particular moment shouting "Wheeeeeeeee!"

Master Hand paused for a moment.

"On second thought, Psycho Hand is busy riding a rocket. I think it would be best if we just got inside as quickly as possible."

He led them into a glorious foyer made entirely of gold. Four hallways led off to different areas.

"This foyer is obviously the entrance.

As you can see, the signs above your door tell you what goes where. For example, the Practice Arena is where you may choose to fight the Fighting Polygon Team, Fighting Wire Frames, Fighting Alloy Team, or combat modules of some previous enemies to the Smash Bros. Universe, such as Tabuu or Ridley. It is where you may also take a combat module of your desired opponent and fight him. I will be showing you how to use it shortly.

"Down this hall is the residential area. It is where we have our separate rooms, kitchen and eating area, luxury swimming pool, arcade, game room-"

"Arent those the same room?" asked Axel.

"No. The game room is where we keep board games and other such non-electronic games. The arcade is strictly giant arcade machine games, obviously at no cost."

"Oh. I gotcha."

"Anyway, arcade, game room, living room, gym, and library. As accepted members of the Smashers, you may all make use of these facilities."

"Sweet!" said Axel, Sora, Roxas, and Larxene at the same time.

Kefka giggled uncontrollably.

"What's so funny, clown?" asked Sephiroth.

Kefka pointed at Ganondorf a few feet away.

Ganondorf saw Kefka. And immediately started bawling. He quickly ran from the room.

"What's up with him?" asked Master Hand.

"Oh, nothing!" sang Kefka.

"He upstaged Ganondorf at a nerd convention." said Axel.

"Oh yeah!" said Roxas, who pulled out his iPhone. Then he stopped.

"Hey Master Hand! You guys got WiFi here or 3G coverage?"

"We enjoy both." he said.

Roxas and Axel high-fived and brought up the video Kefka vs. Ganondorf on YouTube.

"I've become a cultural icon. Kind of like Mickey Mouse. Or... Ronald McDonald." came Ganondorf's voice from the iPhone.

"This third hallway is the Portal Room. It is where we all go when we're going to a stadium to fight at. It is also where one may go to return to his world for a vacation or to stop your villain. Time in that realm and time in this one are separate. You may be here for three millenia and only about 3 seconds will pass. Also, while here, it is impossible to age, though your body will heal itself quicker than most realms will, due to the magic that was worked into this place. Then, when you're done there, you may return here and no time will have passed here either."

"Sweet." said Sora and Roxas, who were thinking of Kairi and Namine.

"This fourth hallway leads to the back gardens. It is a quiet environment where you may enjoy the scenery, though an actual lawn is out there too. Come to think of it, some of the guys are currently playing football out there."

They walked out to see two paths branch off toward a greenhouse and a lawn.

A few guys were out on the lawn, throwing the pigskin around. They stopped when they saw the newcomers and their jaws dropped at the sight of Larxene and Terra. Except for Link, who only had eyes for Zelda.

"Hello men. These are the nine newcomers." said Master Hand.

"Am I in heaven?" mumbled Marth.

"No, but pretty close." mumbled Ike.

Larxene caught their expressions and grinned evilly to herself. Breaking their hearts was going to be fun.

Samus Aran walked up from among the group.

"Pleasure to meet you all. I'm Samus Aran." she said.

"I'm Sora."

"I'm Roxas."

"The name's Axel. Got it memorized?"

"Uhh, sure." said Samus.

"My name's Larxene."

"Kefka Palazzo, at your service."

"I'm Terra."

"I'm Cloud."

"You may call me Sephiroth."

"I am known as Xemnas."

She shook each of their hands.

"So, any embarassing stories to share?" she asked them.

"Yeah. There was this one time where I got sent to some nerd convention, and Googleduck-" started Kefka.

"You mean Ganondorf?" asked Samus.

"Right, him. Well, I upstaged him in front of the whole crowd." he said, starting to laugh in his high-pitched lingering cackle.

Samus started laughing.

"Oh yeah. That's what he was on about."

"Also, whatever you do, don't mention the word Jenova to Sephiroth." he said in a low voice.

"Why not?"

Kefka paused.

"Should I show her the J-word's effect?" he asked Cloud seriously.

Cloud shrugged.

"Fine. Hey Sephiroth."

Sephiroth, who was looking around the Lawn, looked at Kefka.

"Dont you think Jenova would love it here?"

All of a sudden, music began playing in the background (actually, no one knew where it came from, but it sounded like One-Winged Angel). A strange gleam leapt into Sephiroth's eyes.

"JENOVA!"

He began running around in a crazed rampage.

" JENOVA JENOVA JENOVA JENOVA JENOVA JENOVA JENOVA JENOVA JENOVA JENOVA JENOVA JENOVA JENOVA JENOVA JENOVA JENOVA JENOVA JENOVA JENOVA!"

"See what I mean?" asked Kefka.

"Yeah."

There came the sound of shattering glass.

Captain Olimar ran from the greenhouse in a panic, followed by three Pikmin, in hot pursuit by Sephiroth, who was still screaming "JENOVA!"

Kefka stole Cloud's sword, calmly walked about three feet to the left, and held out the Buster Sword, flat edge facing where he knew Sephiroth was going to run through. Three seconds later, Olimar ran under the blade and Sephiroth clothes-lined himself on it.

He woke up seconds later.

"Uhhnn... I have a horrible headache. What happened?"

"Umm... Nothing." said Sora.

The other guys had completely stopped playing football to watch what transpired. Meanwhile, no one told Lucas and Ness, who rocketed a baseball toward them, which hit all three of Olimar's Pikmin. They died and their spirits flew up into the sky.

"Anyway, I'll show you all the living area."

He led them back through the round Foyer through another hallway.

It led to... another hallway.

"Now then, the facilities are all on the right, and the living quarters are all on the left. Your names are on the doors and cannot be removed, save for by me. We had a prank involving Mewtwo walking into Samus' room while she was changing because Pikachu and Jigglypuff changed the nameplates. Mewtwo's remains have been buried in the courtyard under a nice tree with a small bed of flowers nearby. We had to find a suitable pokemon replacement for him, so we invited Lucario."

He led them down the facilities hall and stopped by the first door.

"This is the kitchen. Inside, you will find that the most gourmet chef in the universe, Wolfgang Puck, is our chef."

He opened the door.

As Kefka expected, a hockey puck with a face was making all the food. Everyone else thought it was a bad pun.

As was also expected, Kirby sat at the end of a conveyor belt, gulping up all the food.

Master Hand led them to the library. Inside were thousands of books on every topic. And a few computers for research.

"Every computer is outfitted with internet and the most valuable research tools. You may find everything you'd ever need at your disposal."

They went to the gym. Inside, Wario and Bowser were hitting the weights. Meanwhile, two of the girls were playing basketball. Peach and Zelda were engaged in a one-on-one match. Sora's jaw dropped at the sight of Zelda, but he was quickly elbowed by Roxas who said "Remember Kairi."

There were weights, rooms for gym athletic sports like volleyball and raquetball, a jogging track, and other useful things to use.

He led them to a room with a swimming pool inside. It seemed Samus had headed to the pool to do some lengths. Cloud shrugged it off when everyone poked him because he was looking.

The arcade was a room full of the giant consoles. It had everything from normal button games to shooting games with guns to motion sensory games.

The Games room had tables with checker patterns on it for chess an checkers. Some had backgammon designs. Board games were in giant cabinets. A small refrigerator with sodas was in there also.

They were gonna love this place.

The living room was a luxurious room with another fridge with sodas, DirecTV, three 63" HD plasma TVs, every conceivable game system hooked up to two of them, a listing of sports channels next to the third, very huge sofas, bean-bag-chairs, and three tables in front of the sofas.

"The only real rules of this room are no pornos on the pay-per-view, and don't spill."

They weren't going to love this place. They already did.

"And finally, this room at the end of the hall is my office. Do not disturb me. I am usually hard at work either trying to teach Psycho Hand some manners or actually doing my job."

They were released to their rooms.

**The video in question is one on YouTube called Kefka vs. Ganondorf. It is where a cosplayer as Kefka upstages Ganondorf at one of the Janicon conventions. I highly encourage you to look it up, though some of the audio is shoddy. The JENOVA! sequence was inspired by Machinima's Dissidia series, where whenever someone mentions Jenova to Sephiroth, THAT happens. Anyway, R&R everyone.**


	3. Moves List and New Friends

**This chapter is devoted to what I think some characters' moves lists shoulda been, provided they were in brawl. I was thinking of reasons for Lucario to replace Mewtwo and that little ditty came to me, and it was too tempting to pass up. Enjoy the story?**

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Chapter 3: Moves List and New Friends

Axel finished putting all his black cloaks in his closet, then decided to go try to make friends.

That's when the alarm went off.

"Alert! Battle commencing! Contestants are Link and Sonic."

At once, there was a mad stampede to the living room.

Axel walked in curiously to see everyone crowding around the TV. Zelda in particular had a "Theyre at it again" look on her face.

Link and Sonic appeared in Battlefield and the announcer shouted "Go!"

"Why're they fighting?" he asked one of the Fire Emblem guys. The one with red hair. What was his name again? Oh yeah. Roy.

"Well, Link saw Sonic hitting on Zelda, and we know that only Link gets Zelda. So he tried to chase Sonic away, but Sonic challenged him to a Brawl."

Link delivered a pretty powerful blow to Sonic.

"How long're they playing for?"

"Five lives."

Sonic managed to smash Link out of the arena.

Link came in and earned the life back quickly by grabbing Sonic with the hookshot and throwing him off of the side, but edge-guarding by jumping off and grabbing the edge himself. Sonic fell down and vanished, losing his first life.

He reappeared quickly.

However, Link had a bomb and was chasing him around the stage.

Sonic then ran into a motion-sensor bomb.

4-3 in favor of Link.

The rest of the fight seemed to resemble Neo vs Mr. Smith from the Matrix 3.

He vageuly wondered if they had planed that as he wandered out of the room toward the Games Room.

All of a sudden, a little orb flew down by him.

"Hello. I am the Smasher Universal Service Intelligence Entity, also known as SUSIE. I have come to help you select a move list."

"A what?"

"A move list is your selected moves that you will be using in your fights. I have already visited Cloud and Sephiroth. I can give you examples of the moves they selected. For example, Cloud's moves list is as follows. His standard B attack is a Fire Magic Spell. His left or right plus B is his Climhazzard attack. His up plus B is his Rising Tiger attack. His down plus B attack is his Blade Beam attack. His Final Smash is Omnislash. Sephiroth's B attack is Octoslash. His Left or right plus B is his Draw Slash attack. His up plus B is his Glide move. His down plus B is his Heaven's Light attack. His final smash is Super Nova."

"Umm, ok. How do I do it?"

"Simple. I will ask you what attack you want and you will tell me. So, what attack do you want for your standard B attack?"

"I guess I could handle a simple Chakram barrage."

"Data recorded. How about for left or right plus B?"

"Fire Wall."

"Recorded. Up plus B?"

"Teleport."

"Recorded. Down plus B?"

"Fire Spiral."

"Recorded. And finally Final Smash?"

"Magma floor."

"Recorded. Thank you for your time."

"Umm, do we have to fight by these?"

"No. Only while people are playing as you in the game will you be controlled like that. Otherwise, fight as you normally would."

"Oh, thanks."

"Youre welcome."

The flying orb flew off.

"That was weird." said Axel.

As he walked down the hall, lost in thought, he ran into Bowser.

"Oops. Sorry man." he said half-consciously.

He felt a claw grab him by his cloak.

"Nobody messes with Bowser. You're goin' down punk." he said.

Within the moment, they were materializing in Battlefield.

"Nobody, and I do mean nobody, runs into me in the halls." growled the dinosaur Koopa.

"I just ran into you, okay?"

"Yeah right. You're goin' down!"

He opened his maw and breathed fire at Axel.

Axel just absorbed the fire, being the Nobody who was the Master of Fire, then retaliated by throwing his chakrams at Bowser. Bowser didn't expect him to survive the blast and they caught him off guard and knocked him off of the edge.

In the Living Room...

"Whoa! Guys! Bowser's gettin' whooped by the new guy!" shouted Ness.

Nearly everyone, who had been on their way earlier, was now in the room.

"Oh wow. He's going down." said Sonic.

"Not like you went down a few minutes ago." said Pokemon Trainer.

"That's not what your mother said last night, Red." Sonic said, snickering.

Everyone started "Ooo"-ing him. Red blushed and looked at the TV, where Bowser was down to one life, and Axel was still at all five.

Roxas wandered in.

"What's going down?" he asked, not knowing about what had been said earlier.

"Umm, Red's Mom." said Sonic. Red punched him.

"Axel and Bowser are duking it out." said Ness.

"Hahahaha! Bowser's a dragon. He don't stand a chance against a guy who absorbs fire." said Roxas.

What do you absorb then?" asked Zelda, walking in.

"Light. No Final Smashes for you." he said cheerfully.

"Heh! That means I can win with Darkness!" said Ganon.

"Nope. Darkness is absence of light, so in reality, I can control darkness too. You both are screwed."

They looked at each other with "Oh crap" expressions on their faces.

Axel managed to win (go figure) as Roxas walked to the fridge in the Games room to grab a soda.

Axel appeared next to him through teleportation.

"Enjoy the fight?" he asked.

"Of course. It's always fun whooping someone's ass."

"No joke." he said

"So where's Larxene?"

"Off doing the usual."

"Seducing the boys," started Axel.

"Then breaking their hearts." finished Roxas.

Right on cue, Larxene walked in.

"'Sup boys?" she asked leisurely, apparently oblivious to the stares of Marth, Roy, Ike, and Snake.

"Nothin' much. Any reason why the crowd's here?" asked Roxas.

"Roxas, when you're an incredibly hot girl like myself, it's an everyday occurance."

"How humble." commented Axel.

"Oh shut up." said Larxene.

"One question. Has anyone else from our group fought anyone yet?" asked Roxas.

"Well, Xemnas's just put Wolf to an almost literal death sleep for making fun of the old man hair, Sephiroth went berserk when Falco mentioned Jenova, and Kefka was being Kefka to Fox." said Larxene.

"Oh great."

"Yeah. It's kind of annoying when he's making you laugh by how easy he's beating up opposition." said Axel.

They heard a laughing sound and turned to see Psycho Hand chasing a group of Pikmin down the hall. Olimar was frantically chasing PH to get him to stop.

"What is up with him, anyway?"

"No idea."

At that moment, Snake walked in, carrying a Jack Daniels Whiskey bottle and smoking a cigar.

"What're you lookin' at?" he asked Axel in a slurred voice.

"Umm, weren't you just in there?"

"I went back to my world to have a few drinks..." he said, wobbling.

"Whatever."

"So, listen up, 'kay? At night, don't go walking into the library. I mean, there's nothing going in there or anythin' but just don't do it. It'll make your life easier, mkay?"

"Ehh, sure." said Larxene.

"You're cute when you're here, you know that?" he said at Larxene.

Larxene smacked him and kicked him out of the room.

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**R&R please.**


End file.
